Your touch is better: a practical guide to solo sex
A quick note on language. The advice below applies to anyone with a vulva, regardless of your gender identity. We sometimes refer to women when we are making specific points about the historical marginalisation of female pleasure in sex ed and pop culture.
Think you know everything there is to know about masturbation? Think again. You may well have one reliable way you get yourself off but perhaps this lockdown has made you test it to the limit, and now you’re on the lookout for something more exciting.
Or you may have never experienced an orgasm before, or struggle to get them.
In this blog we will give you some practical tips to help you have a great time exploring your vulva, and hopefully have an orgasm. It’s like a series of recipes but with more satisfying results than yet another dense-as-hell banana bread.
We’ve destilled everything we’ve ever learned about vulvas from reading countless books and academic papers about vulvas. Special credit goes to Becoming Cliterate by Dr Laurie Mintz and the website OMGyes - check them out.
Getting rid of shame and stigma
If you struggle with shame around masturbation, as many women do, or if you’re ambivalent about your vulva it may be worth exploring it with your fingers and a mirror to get to know all its wonderful parts. We recommend checking out the Vulva Gallery, which celebrates the huge variety of vulva shapes and sizes.
It may also be good to try some of the techniques we propose in front of a mirror to see how your body responds to different types of stimulation.
One of the ways in which we can reduce stigma around female masturbation is by seeing it depicted and normalised on film and TV. We are slowly seeing more examples cropping up, particularly as women slowly gain power in the creation and commissioning of content.
The Clit Test exists to celebrate the times when this does happen - in the hope we will inspire others.
Why (not) masturbate?
Our previous blog summarises all the benefits of masturbation. It highlights that taking the time to explore what feels good for you is particularly important for women who have sex with men because we know that they very frequently prioritise male pleasure over their own. Masturbation is also the most reliable way to have an orgasm, and orgasms have been shown to lift your mood, improve sleep, lower blood pressure and even boost your immune system. Finally, women who masturbate are more likely to enjoy healthy body image and self-esteem, and they’re more likely to ask for what they want during sex with a partner.
Before you start!
Lube tends to make everything feel better. Find the right amount of lube for you and make sure it’s at hand.
If you have time, make your room look nice, as dark or light as feels good for you and put some Rihanna on if you fancy an empowering, sex positive soundtrack to your solo sex session.
The basics
The tips on this blog will help you stimulate your vulva externally, as this is how the vast majority or women achieve orgasm. Shere Hite found that 86% of women who masturbated only ever touched the outside of their vulva. While 12% also said they sometimes or always added penetration, only 1.5% of women used penetration alone.
The diagram below shows you where your clitoris sits in relation to your vulva. The labels below correspond to everyday terms, for a full diagram with anatomical terms check out this from the Vulva Gallery.
All the techniques we propose are based on (or can include) variations of:
Place: The focus of stimulation can be your inner lips, outer lips, the clit hood, clit glans, the mons or the vaginal opening. It can also include other parts of your body like your breasts and your anus.
Movement: Up and down, circular motions, side to side, and tapping or pulsating. You can combine movements to keep it interesting.
Rhythm: Play with the frequency of movements. Starting slow and steadily increasing the frequency is a popular technique.
Intensity: This is the pressure you apply to the part you're stimulating. Slowly increasing intensity is also an effective way to build up pleasure.
The ‘wow’ factors
All the techniques we propose can be enhanced to ‘wow’ level by:
Teasing: This includes ‘edging’, which consists of pausing stimulation when you’re close to orgasm, to stop you from reaching it, then continuing again, as many times as you like. This can facilitate more intense and longer orgasms. It also includes ‘hinting’, which consists of focusing stimulation on less sensitive parts to begin with (breasts, vaginal opening, outer lips, inner lips...) to build arousal, then start more directly stimulating more sensitive areas (e.g. clitoral hood)
Novelty: To quote the Spice Girls, “Spice up your life!”. This is the arousal you can get from trying a new technique, a new sex toy or exploring a new fantasy.
Consistency: Doing the same thing (same movements, intensity, rhythm and place) can help build up to climax. But breaking the consistency can also be exciting and help keep you focused.
Toys: You can recreate the sensations that work for you with a vibrating toy or try inserting one into the entrance of your vagina while you’re trying these techniques. You can also use a butt plug or stimulate the anus with your hands at the same time.
(Handy) Techniques
A masturbatory dilemma kept popping up as we wrote this blog: to rub or not to rub the clitoris glans directly. Some people find direct stimulation of the clit gland too sensitive. Others might find it’s not sensitive enough.
If it’s not sensitive enough, it could be because your clitoral hood is covering your glans almost completely. If you think that’s your case, try pulling the clitoral hood back to uncover it, then rub that clit!
Techniques for very sensitive clit glans
If your clitoral glans seems way too sensitive to directly stimulate, try these:
Grind your vulva against something, e.g. a pillow, a stack of (clean!) laundry, a teddy bear (I see you eyeing that Paddington in a completely different way)... Keep your pants on, and try going face down with your vulva on top of it, then slowly grind your hips down. You can combine it with different hip movements.
Cross your legs and squeeze your legs together rhythmically.
Use running water. You can hold your shower head (preferably set to a single stream) and point it at your clit. Adjust the pressure of the stream to what feels good for you. Yes, this might use a lot of water and is not super sustainable, but sometimes one needs a special shower treat after a long day.
Techniques for slightly indirect stimulation
Some ways to stimulate your clit less directly include:
Put 4 fingers close together and cover your whole vulva, then massage (pull it up and down or use different movements)
Rub the sides of your clitoral gland - some people find a particular side is more sensitive.
Apply pressure and rub or pull the mons with the palm of your hand. This can stimulate the inner clit and apply indirect pressure to the external clit.
Use your fingers to draw circles around the clitoral hood.
Make a ‘clit sandwich’ (tasty) - squeeze your outer lips together around the clit glans area using your index and middle finger, then move up and down or squeeze and release. Rub, pull or tap your inner lips.
Make a ‘V’ shape with your ring and middle fingers and place it inside your outer lips (the space in between will be the clitoral hood and gland). Put the rest of your fingers outside the outer lips and move your whole hand up and down.
Techniques for direct clit stimulation
If it feels good for you to directly stimulate your clit glans, try:
Tapping the clitoral gland, gently, if you’re tired of rubbing. Hold labia to the sides for more direct stimulation.
Make large circles with your finger or fingers going over your clit gland and down to your vaginal opening - drawing an 8 or an O.
Put your fingers between your inner and outer lips to open them, then with your other hand, slide 2 or 3 fingers up and down, from your vaginal opening to the clit hood.
Make different movements with your fingers over the clit glans.
If consistency doesn’t do it for you, try spelling your crush’s name on your clit gland. OK, maybe that’s a bit weird, but there’s always the alphabet.
Off you go!
We hope all these tips help you have an exciting and fulfilling solo sex life. Now off you go to try them out, you sexy beast. No need to thank us.